A Soapy Affair
by SmileyBoo
Summary: What if Buffy was a Soap Opera? That's basically the idea of this fic. Just a short 'what if' thing, set during Anya and Xander's wedding. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I do not own any Buffy the Vampire Slayer plotlines, characters, etc. Duh.

A Soapy Affair

"Anya, no!" Spike shouted, as the bride to be strode gracefully down the isle.

"Spike?" The infuriated groom cried, "What are _you_ doing here?"

"We invited him, remember, Honey?" his fiancé replied.

"Anya; don't go through with this!" Spike tried again.

"Well, why not?" Xander retorted.

"Because; I love her."

"So? I love her too! And the better man won, Spike, so you better deal wi-"

"He doesn't love you!"

"What?" Anya was speechless, as the wedding guests all turned to stare.

"He's cheating on you!"

"That liar!" Exclaimed Xander, glaring at the bleached-blond.

"I'm not! He's been sleeping with Buffy!"

"Buffy?" The bride repeated in disbelief, "The same Buffy who broke up with you last week? No way!"

"Yes; it's true. She left me for this bum! And I'm not about to let you, the woman of my dreams, make the same mistake. Come with _me_, love. Leave with the one who _really_ wants you."

"Anya! Don't listen to him! That thing with Buffy-it was a one-night stand! She left Spike for Riley!"

"So you do admit to cheating on me with my own friend?"

"No! It was a one night-"

"That doesn't matter! Spike was right about you! You lazy, good-for nothing, lying, cheating, bum!" Anya turned to her savior, "Let's go Spike."

"Wait!" Her desperate now-ex-fiancé pleaded.

"What could you possibly want to say to me?"

"I just want the record set straight. I'm glad you're leaving me. I was only sticking out this relationship because I thought that no one else would take me! But the other night, Willow-"

"Willow? Your lesbian ex-girlfriend and best man?" Anya clarified.

"The very one. She came back to me, and told me that I had to break this whole thing off, and you know what?"

"What?"

"I was going to. Right after you said 'I do' I was going to laugh in your face and leave with Willow."

Anya gasped, "You unfaithful son of a-"

"Stop! I never said that!" Willow stood up from her seat in the front row, her emerald-green best-man dress making movement almost impossible, "I told Xander that Tara and I were over, and that if things didn't work out between you, I'd be willing to take him back, but I didn't tell him to hurt you like this!"

"Oh yeah, Red?" Spike interjected, "When have you ever cared about other people's feelings? What about Cordelia? What about Oz? You broke both their hearts by fooling around with Xander behind their backs!"

"That was ages ago!" The witch responded, "That's not who I am anymore-"

"But it _is_ Willow, can't you see?" Her ex-girlfriend joined in the conversation, hobbling over in her own, grotesque bridesmaid dress.

"How, Tara? I never hurt you-_you_ hurt me!"

"Excuse me?" Buffy leapt up from her seat, making her way over to her two identically-clad friends, "You hurt _me_ more than anybody!"

"How's that?" Tara inquired.

"You slept with my boyfriend!"

"I-I didn't kn-now he w-was your b-boyfriend-"

"Don't lie to me!" The Slayer screeched, her eyes boring into her adversary's, "How do you think Dawn came to be, if she wasn't yours and Riley's?"

"What? I knew you were cheating on me, but with Riley? I thought you were gay!" Willow confided, appalled.

"I am! I just wanted to try something new! Is that a crime?" Tara cried.

"If you're cheating on someone, then yes, it is!"

"Especially if you're having an affair with _my_ boyfriend!" Buffy said, through clenched teeth.

"You're one to talk; sleeping around with _my_ girlfriend!" Willow spat back.

"Guys-don't fight!" Tara pleaded.

"Well I know someone who's aching for a beating." Xander lunged at Spike, as they tumbled around together, punches and kicks flying left and right.

"Spike! Xander!" Anya cried, unsure of whom to root for.

"Don't bother worrying about them, Anya." Giles spoke softly. "They're both immature little boys. But _you_ on the other hand, are something else."

"Giles, are you saying…"

"Yes! I can't stand you any longer! You are far worse than either of those hoodlums!" The old man edged closer, knife in hand.

"Help me!" Anya screeched, looking in vain for anyone to aid her.

"How did you manage that anyway?" Willow interrogated, oblivious to the bride's plight.

"Manage what?"

"To make us all think Dawn was this energy ball! How'd you fool us?"

"She didn't." Dawn took the stage, green sheen ripping as she ran over, "Riley and Tara adopted me as a baby ball of energy, then decided they didn't want me and gave me up to Joyce after using a spell to make me a teen."

"Tara, is that true?" Buffy questioned.

"Yes! Yes it is! And Riley only dated you so that he could be close to our daughter!"

"Well she's not your daughter anymore! She's _my_ sister!" Buffy stated.

"Oh yeah?" Tara instigated, staring Buffy in the eye.

"Yeah!" Buffy landed a punch on Tara's nose, only to be kicked in the shin.

"Take that!" Tara retorted, angered.

"Anyone?" Anya whispered, as Giles came ever closer with his dagger, trying to dodge the many people in combat.

"Anya!" Cried Xander, recovering from a heavy blow from Spike, as he leapt towards the two, grabbed the knife from Giles, then turned around. "Anya-" He turned too soon, just as his beloved was rising from the ground, and the sharp blade pierced her heart. "Anya; no!" Her lover cried, as she breathed her last breath in his arms. The fighting stopped, as did the shouting, and the world was silent as everyone stared at the two. "Anya!"

"Anya, honey; we need to get going." Xander shook his fiancé awake. Today's the big day.

"No! No! No!" His future bride struggled in her sleep. "Ah!" She cried, jerking awake. "Oh, good morning."

"Hey there; bad dream? Pre-wedding shivers?"

"Nope, not for me!" Anya replied cheerily.

"Okay, then. I guess I'll see you later, then, my beautiful bride." Xander planted a quick kiss on her lips before leaving to get dressed.

"Boy, have I been watching _way_ too much _Passions_." Anya thought to herself. "But Xander and I will be together forever. He would never break my heart like that. Never." She assured herself as she headed to the bathroom to wash up. "Never."

How wrong she was.


End file.
